Single Bells: A Reflective and Hopeful Christmas Journey

Even though the Christmas spirit didn’t really kick in this year until Christmas Eve, we have a family tradition where we sit around a fire, toast marshmallows, and set off a few fireworks so Santa knows where to come. Even though my nephews no longer believe, they absolutely love this tradition still.

So, it has been really lovely. Spending time with my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. It has been so nice, chilled, fun, and, for me, what Christmas is about: love.

Yes, there were gifts, and we were all spoiled. Yet, I always feel awkward receiving gifts; I’ve always preferred to give. Seeing others happy made and still does make me happy.

While there were Christmases I didn’t get to spend as much time with my family as I would like, these memories mean the world.

Yet, I do find this time difficult too, and this year harder than ever. Seeing lots of people enjoying themselves with partners and kids, it’s a feeling of yearning and loss. Being single, having no one to do all the cheesy lovey-dovey Xmas stuff with or having children to dote on and all the fun of Santa magic and make-believe.

I know at 40, nearly 41, I’m not over the hill but definitely feel like time is running out. While family definitely doesn’t have to mean blood, it means love. It plays on my mental health.

I know I am not alone in this feeling, and many others have and will go through the same thing, but it does taint things for me at times, and while I don’t begrudge anyone who has this, I admit I do get kind of jealous.

What can I do about it? I don’t know. I’ve come so far in 2023 with my mental health, and into 2024, I will continue with this. But I plan to add losing weight, finding more self-confidence, and trying to put myself out there more.

Not that I ever have any luck on dating apps but have signed up to a couple. Maybe this time next year, I will be writing about how it’s all changed, but till then, I just have to be kind to myself, focus on what I can control, and make the most of life.

So, Merry Christmas to you all. However you feel, remind yourself it’s okay, and you’re not alone.